Citizen Kane: On Raising Children

Rosebud is the answer.

Watch Citizen Kane for the question.

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Citizen Kane; 1941. Co-written, directed, produced, and starred in by 25-year old Orson Welles. Ponder the scope of this achievement: four primary functions mastered by one filmmaker, committed to—and successfully making—an absolute masterpiece.

How good is Citizen Kane?

American Film Institute’s 100 Greatest American Movies of All Time: #1. Citizen Kane.

In his childhood, Charles Kane’s family discover gold on their land. His parents want a “better life” for him. He is taken from his home, sent to distant boarding schools, and given an extensive formal education ensuring a lifetime of “success.” Thus, Kane’s childhood is taken from him. His connection with his parents is over.

In adulthood there is no material possession Kane doesn’t have. He runs his own newspaper. His palatial estate in Florida, Xanadu, has endless rooms, lavish gardens, a hoard of fine art; all the amenities of wealth and privilege.

Ultimately, the loss of home and childhood leave a hole in Kane impossible to fill. And then he dies very much alone, though he is surrounded by staff. Never truly happy; never once complete.

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On Raising Children

Imagine an island. It is solely yours.

Imagine every material possession you could possibly desire. Anything at any time. Exotic cars. A casino. A roller coaster. Money. Jewels. Name it. It’s yours. Let your imagination wander—everything you want is there; anything you want later will be there. Think it, and it is yours. There is, however, one condition. It’s just you on the island. No one else—now or ever.

Imagine a summer evening.

The sun is setting. Food is laid out on a picnic table; the grill is fired up. The old tell stories while the young listen. Others throw a ball back and forth. A guitar, slightly out of tune, is strummed. Friends. Family. Loved ones. All are here. Nothing extravagant. Nothing opulent. Just communion with those you cherish.

Two scenarios.

The first: every material desire you want. The very best of everything that money can provide. But entirely alone. The second: no material possessions, though surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones, fully immersed in the pleasures of simple living. I would ask you to choose one of the two scenarios—but you’ve already made your decision.

Quality vs. Quantity

This is a myth. Time with your children being either quality or quantity, but not possibly both, is an absurd notion. It’s an excuse parents not prioritizing time with family give themselves—and it is a false one. 

Some children, on occasion, get a splashy event with their parents. Usually a birthday or holiday; at times something spontaneous. But always big and memorable and expensive. One tailor-made for a photo op—an envy-inducing experience proudly displayed on Facebook.

These children are often the busiest you’ll ever meet. A nanny—sometimes nannies—tend to their every need. As they grow up, they are gifted with endless opportunities: tutors, sports, rehearsals, recitals, on and on. Never a moment wasted—each experience rolling into the next. On the rare occasion the family is home together, they’re little more than ships passing in the night.

If this is your concept of raising children, change the paradigm immediately. Truly unconditional love and authentic connection will take your children much further in life than the endless regime of activities associated with “privilege.” Home needs to be a harbor. Go out and conquer the world today—knowing the unconditional love of family awaits you right here—and it always will. Give your children all the time and focused attention you possibly can. Make home a haven.

Three key words: balance, presence, routine.

Balance.

Balance the activities of your family. A sport or hobby is healthy and positive, modeling the values of hard work, success, and overcoming failure. Potent teaching tools. The challenge comes when there’s no time—or room—for anything else. Keep the activity volume modest and manageable. Family first—in everything, always.

Presence.

Granting undivided attention can be very challenging. It isn’t just you—this is a universal truth. Gone are the days of work being at work—and left at work—after 5:00. Our phones. Our laptops. We are constantly connected. We feel tethered to our profession; never more than an email or phone call away from being needed. In time and attention, technology has taken far more from us than it has given.

Try this. Leave the laptop at the office. Leave the phone in the car. When you pull into the driveway, you check out of work, thoughts of work, lingering projects at work, pressing responsibilities at work—all of it. It is a mindset. It is a habit. It is a decision. It will work.

Walk to the door. Leave every thought of work behind. You now check into being the husband, wife, mother, or father your family needs you to be. They are waiting for you. And they deserve your very best. Open the door. Watch how powerful the change is when family isn’t competing for your attention—when you are home, nothing else in the world matters beyond them. And they are always first.

Routine.

Build time as a family into your daily schedule. Breakfast in the morning; everyone prepares to launch their day together. A family dinner in the evening. A daily activity in the yard, or a board game. It can be any or all of these, but must be—at the very least—once daily.

Turn the television off.

Time together should be in conversation, or bonding over a mutually enjoyable activity. When the television is on, it gets the attention that should be shared between the family.

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Citizen Kane masterfully teaches this truth: Lonely success will never compare to the warmth of a loving, connected family. No amount of privileged living will ever yield a fulfilled life.

Family engagement is not an on/off switch—it is a spectrum to which we parents must constantly be attuned. So absorbed in our professions, we often lose perspective; our preoccupation with work stifling our time with family and children. Physically we may be here, though mentally we’re there. We aren’t truly present in the moment. We must consistently evaluate this paradigm, combating an unconscious problem with a conscious solution: Leave work at work. When at home with family, they get 100% without compromise.

Additionally, many are victims of a parenting cycle never providing the authentic connection all children need. We naturally model the patterns we were given, unaware we are doing so—and unaware of the consequences. If you are a victim of such an upbringing, let this be the moment awareness incites change. Let yours be the generation that, in your family, breaks the cycle.

It starts today. Leave the laptop. Turn off the phone. Open the door.

They are waiting for you.

Mark Joseph Huckabee